A Message to Parents of Coed College Bound Children, הודעה להורים של ילדים במכללת
The Stories:
Josh is a 20 year old college student who was given a Yeshiva education from kindergarten through 12th grade. No doubt well over $100,000 was spent by his parents ensuring that he was given a solid Jewish education. He is involved in Jewish life on campus and attends minyan quite regularly, though life on campus is a spiritual battle. So when he told me that he went to his college football team’s stadium to attend a game on a Shabbos afternoon, I was a little disappointed.
"Don’t worry,” he reassures me. "I walked to the game.”
"How did you get your ticket there?” I ask, knowing that the eruv does not extend to the stadium.
"Oh don’t worry. I had one of my non observant friends carry it for me.”
"Not much better,” I thought, since it is prohibited to have another Jew break Shabbos for you in non emergency situations.
Josh proceeded to relate a "funny” story. As his team was dismantled in a driving rainstorm, he overheard a female student several rows behind him complain to her friend,
"For this I broke Shabbos!?”
Story #2. Steven went to a Modern Orthodox High School and then went to a large state University with an impressive Jewish presence. He took an active role in Jewish life and attended an array of shiurim that were offered on the campus Hillel and Chabad. By the end of his fourth year, he not only earned a degree, but also became engaged to his bashert. Enriched by their Jewish and academic experiences, they will build a beautiful Jewish home.
Story #3. On my second day as a campus Rabbi back in September 2004, I’m searching for secular Jewish college students for my Kiruv program. I meet a nice Orthodox girl who is unloading her belongings in the dorm with her father. I strike up a conversation with him and he congratulates me on my new venture stating,
"My friend’s daughter spent four years in a Yeshiva High School and then went to a coed college. Within a week she completely changed her wardrobe to a very provocative one and soon after that became a dancer (And no, it wasn’t for a music company).”
As someone who has worked on a coed college doing kiruv for the last five years, I and every single one of my colleagues can you tell a hundred more stories like these about students who come from Orthodox families and had 12 years of Yeshiva education.
After receiving one too many phone calls from parents who didn’t know about their children dating non-Jews while in college, or from talking to the very frustrated good students on campus who are doing all that they can to have a positive impact on their friends who have completely turned their back on the Torah education they received in High School, I feel I cannot keep this information to myself—I have a responsibility to share it with parents whose children are college bound.
The Problem:
In what should be required reading for every Modern Orthodox parent with college aged children, Rabbi Lawrence Keleman in the Spring 2005 edition of the Jewish Action (the article can be found online at simpletoremember.com) writes:
After the home, most cultures have secondary socializing institution—a sealed environment in which young adults are immersed to lock in the society’s values and weltanschauung. In China and the former Soviet Union, it is the Young Pioneers. In Israel, it is the army. In the United States, it is the university.
The spiritual situation that Orthodox students on college campuses are put in is very precarious. Most dorms are coed (though Rutgers Chabad does have a women’s dorm and a boys dormitory is on its way) and the peer pressure to fit in and be like everyone else is enormous. Even a sincerely observant 19 year old certainly still has the desire to "taste the forbidden fruit,” even if it’s just to see what it’s like. So how much different can an Orthodox college student be from his or her secular counterparts who have an average of 5.5 intimate partners during their undergraduate years?
Fortunately, some students have found refuge in Hillel or the Chabad house. Programs such as the OU’s Jewish Learning Initiative, Chabad on campus, and Rabbi Shalom Axelrod’s Kesharim, are a good step in the right direction. At Rutgers for example, Rabbi and Mrs. Yisroel and Shoshana Porath of the JLI in partnership with Hillel, have had tremendous success. The ruach at the packed Friday night minyan and meal that follows is impressive. There is a multitude of shiurim and chavrusa programs available. Many students have used these opportunities to grow in their religious observance and deepen their Torah knowledge. There is also a daily kosher meal plan, Shabbos meals, learning, etc, at Rutgers Chabad run by the very popular Rabbi Boruch Goodman.
However, these programs are usually attended by some of the more religiously motivated students, while those who were perhaps a bit weaker Jewishly coming into college, tend to fall away. For one thing, even the most dedicated campus Rabbis and Rebbetzins cannot have a close relationship with more than 65 – 75 students. Naturally they will have those relationships with the students who seek them out. But on many campuses with large Jewish populations such as Penn, Brandeis, U of Maryland, Rutgers, etc, there are hundreds of Yeshiva High School alumni who are not involved. Who is taking care of their spiritual needs? There needs to be more funding for programs to reach out to these students who are getting lost and leaving Orthodoxy.
As a campus Kiruv Rabbi, I have raised this issue with my colleagues a number of times and invariably they respond,
"Sorry, we can’t help everyone. Our focus is on the unaffiliated students.”
How many times have I received applications from Yeshiva HS alumni who have stopped observing Shabbos, begging to go on our Israel experience (which has Torah learning and touring components) only to turn them down because the kiruv organizations cannot take them. For one thing, the organizations rightly feel that the Jewish issues that a secular college student struggles with are different than the ones that a Yeshiva HS alumnus deals with. Secondly, the funders of the various kiruv organizations feel that the Yeshiva HS alumni aren’t their responsibility. Rather, they are the responsibility of the communities from where they come from. That being the case, why do we spend hundreds of thousands of dollars in tuition educating each child through High School and spend next to nothing afterwards?
Additionally, how do we expect a High School Jewish education to compete with a secular University education? This is especially the case when many of the Yeshiva High Schools offer very little to the students the areas of Emunah, Jewish outlook and Hashkafah. How is it that when many of these students ask me the most basic questions in emunah and the interface of Judaism and the modern world, it is evident that they haven’t the foggiest notion of where to begin? Here are some quotes from Yeshiva High School alumni:
"I went to an Orthodox HS but I didn’t know what was going on.”
"When I asked that question in class they told me that I shouldn’t be asking such a question, or they used some other circuitous argument.”
Lest one think that the dangers are "only spiritual”, I’d like to quote Rabbi Keleman’s article again.
In a letter to parents enrolling their students in universities and colleges across the country, the chief of Harvard University Health Services, Dr. Richard Kadison, recently wrote:
"If your son or daughter is in college, the chances are almost one in two that he or she will become depressed to the point of being unable to function; one in two that he or she will have regular episodes of binge drinking (with the resulting significant risk of dangerous consequences such as sexual assault and car accidents); and one in ten that he or she will seriously consider suicide.” (Kadison and DiGeronimo, College, 1)
Some possible solutions:
The reality is that there are no easy answers. However, I’d like to put forth some ideas.
Going to a good university is not just a part of growing up Modern Orthodox; it perhaps has become its leitmotif. Any suggestion that students not go to a coed college, would immediately be greeted by derisive eye rolling or worse. So what are these young men and women to do?
1) It would seem obvious that a year of Torah study in Israel for American students should be de rigueur. While many parents fear that their children will be brain washed and not go to college once the year is up, the statistics don’t bear that out. See a study by Dr. Shalom Berger online at http://www.lookstein.org/articles/sberger_dissertation.pdf and in the book "Flipping Out,” which indicates that the overwhelming majority of these young men are not deserting college for a life in kollel. They are more likely to return to college, but with a far more intense commitment to the core elements of Jewish continuity and belief, something which will certainly help them navigate the challenging years ahead.
2) More funding, resources and most importantly, staffing needs to be poured into the programs on campus which work directly with Orthodox students.
3) We need to get the Kiruv organizations more involved with our Yeshiva HS alumni. Kiruv Rabbis are in a unique position to help these students. As stated before, many of the Kiruv organizations are reluctant to get involved. However, if the community demanded it, it would be more likely to happen. As we have seen in the political arena, if there is a grass roots movement for change, change will come.
4) Emunah and issues of Judaism in the modern world need to be stressed far more in Modern Orthodox High Schools. The standard classes of Tanach, Gemarah and Halachah simply do not suffice. An excellent organization which has emunah and Hashkafah programming is Project Chazon run by Rabbis Mechanic and Milstein. Aside from this, students must develop a close relationship with a Rabbi or mentor who they can speak to openly about any and all issues.
5) Parents themselves must set a better example for their children. Young people can easily sense when their parents are preaching but not practicing. Young people need to see parents who attend shiurim, are involved in chesed projects, etc.
6) Modern Orthodoxy seeks to synthesize the world with Torah and Judaism. As one eminent Kiruv Rabbi and thinker suggested, students attending college must be inculcated with the idea that they aren’t merely trying to fight off their yetzer hara in college. Rather, they must see themselves as ambassadors of Judaism, spreading the Torah’s values to other Jews and to the campus in general. This sense of mission is a powerful vehicle for one’s own spiritual growth.
7) Most importantly, this problem must become a major point of discussion in our communities. Even if we don’t have clear answers, the mere fact that it is being discussed is a step in the right direction. Nothing less than the Jewish future is at stake.
Rabbi Meir Goldberg is the Director of Rutgers Jewish Xperience at Rutgers U in New Brunswick, NJ. He resides in Lakewood, NJ with his wife and four boys. He can be reached at Mgoldberg at Rutgersjx dot com
Source: https://ajop.site-ym.com/?FrumKiruv
